MY NAME IS JEROME, JEROME COLEMAN. I WAS AT A PARTY. ONE HELL OF A PARTY. I DRANK A LITTLE TOO MUCH AND GOT DRUNK. THEN, ON MY WAY HOME TO PACIFIC PALISADES I HIT SOMEBODY, SOME TEENAGER. HIS NAME WAS MIKE AND HE WAS A STUDENT AT U.S.C. I WAS ARRESTED THAT NIGHT. THEN, I TRUSTED MY LAWYER... PLEAD GUILTY, HE TOLD ME: THE JUDGE WILL SEE YOUR CLEAN RECORD AND YOU'LL BE OUT IN A FLASH. I COPPED THE PLEA, AND THE JUDGE REMANDED ME TO THE CUSTODY OF THE CALIFORNIA DEPARTMENT OF CORRECTIONS FOR THREE YEARS. HE WOULDN'T HEAR OF RELEASING ME UNTIL MY APPEAL, AND AFTER I TOOK A SWING AT MY MOST LEARNED COUNSEL, THE DEPUTY TOOK ME TO A HOLDING CELL IN THE BASEMENT OF THE VAN NUYS COURTHOUSE. ANOTHER DEPUTY WITH A RUSSIAN SOUNDING NAME LOCKED ME IN THE CELL, WHILE STILL ANOTHER BROUGHT ME SOME CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES, A SANDWICH AND AN ORANGE. THE OTHER PRISONERS, ALREADY IN THIS CELL, LAUGHED WHEN I ASKED IF WE GOT SOMETHING TO DRINK. ABOUT AN HOUR PASSED, THEN THEY TOOK ME AWAY, TO THE L.A. COUNTY CENTRAL JAIL IN DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES ON A CROWDED SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT BUS.

UPON ARRIVAL, I WAS CALLED A "FISH" BY INMATE AND DEPUTY ALIKE. HERDED INTO A LARGE ROOM, I WAS ORDERED TO STRIP NAKED BY A BURLY BLACK MAN IN A BLUE SHIRT. A FEMALE DEPUTY WATCHES ME, WATCHES US. SHE YELLS AT US TO FACE THE WALL, BEND OVER AND SPREAD OUR LEGS. FURTHER, HOLLERS THE "BLUE SHIRT". THE STENCH FROM THE OTHER PRISONERS MAKES ME A LITTLE QUEASY. I THINK I'M GOING TO VOMIT.

IN CHEMICAL SMELLING, DARK BLUE UNIFORMS WE MADE OUR COLLECTIVE WAY TO THE THIRD FLOOR WHERE WE WERE ISSUED ONE BED SHEET AND ONE BLANKET. THEN, WE "INMATES" WERE BASICALLY READ THE RIOT ACT. THE YOUNG PUP OF A DEPUTY, A ROOKIE STRAIGHT FROM THE ACADEMY TREATING US LIKE CRAP. THEN, WE WERE TURNED LOOSE IN A LARGE CROWDED ROOM. THE MEN IN THE ROOM, THEY WERE WAITING FOR US TOO. EVERY ASSHOLE HAD SOMETHING TO PROVE AND THERE WERE A FEW FIGHTS. THE GUY ON THE BUNK NEXT TO ME EXPLAINED THIS LITTLE WORLD TO ME. LOOK, ON THAT SIDE... YOU HAVE SOME CRYPTS, OVER THERE, YOU HAVE SOME BLOODS... STAY AWAY FROM THEM; HE URGES IN A HUSHED WHISPER: IF YOU HAVE TO GO SOMEPLACE, THE PHONE, SHOWER, SHITTER... WHATEVER, TAKE EVERYTHING WITH YOU. THESE DICKS WILL ROB YOU BLIND IF YOU GIVE THEM THE CHANCE; HE CONFIDES TO ME, LEANING CLOSER AND POINTING TO A KID WITHOUT SHOES: THEY TOOK HIS SHOES LAST NIGHT. POINTING OUT ANOTHER WHITE MAN, HE LOOKS DOWN AT THE FLOOR TELLING ME THAT LAST WEEK, SOME OF THE GUYS HEARD HE HAD SOME CASH. THEY WAITED UNTIL LATE IN THE NIGHT, AND FIVE OF THEM GRABBED THE INMATE BY HIS LEGS, ARMS AND HEAD. THEN ANOTHER ATTACKER PULLS DOWN HIS BLANKET, AND WITH A SHARP RAZOR, THEY CUT OFF HIS UNDERPANTS. THEY FOUND HIS STASH OF MONEY, THEY TOOK EVERYTHING HE HAD. ON THE OUTSIDE, IT MIGHT NOT SOUND LIKE MUCH... BUT, IN HERE, EVEN A FEW BUCKS AND SOME STAMPS COULD BE SOMEONE'S WHOLE LIFE. DURING MOST OF THE NIGHT, MY "BUNK-MATE" TELLS ME ABOUT HIS CAREER AS A CAR THIEF. HE'S NOT IN HERE FOR THAT, "BUSTED FOR DRUGS" HE CONFIDES. IN A PERVERSE KIND OF FASCINATION, I LISTEN TO HIS STORIES AND I THINK I EVEN LEARN SOME TRICKS OF THE TRADE. I GUESS I'M HERE ON A FULL SCHOLARSHIP.

IT'S A LITTLE OVER A WEEK, CLOSER TO TWO, I GUESS. "COLEMAN" SOME DEPUTY YELLS OVER THE INTERCOM. MY CAR THIEF FRIEND SAYS GOODBYE. IT'S ABOUT THREE O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING, AND HE FIGURES IT'S THE PRISON BUS. WAITING IN A COLD AND DIRTY HOLDING CELL, I GROW APPREHENSIVE ABOUT WHERE THEY ARE SENDING ME. NO-ONE TELLS YOU WHERE YOU MIGHT BE GOING, IT'S NOT ALLOWED. BEYOND THE NAMELESS "RECEPTION FACILITY" NO-ONE REALLY KNOWS ANYWAY. I'M IN THE PRISON BUS BEFORE DAWN. IT'S COLD IN THE PRE-DAWN HOURS AND THE OTHER "CONVICTS" DON'T LOOK TOO FRIENDLY. I'M UNCOMFORTABLE IN EVERY SENSE OF THE WORD. AT THE FIRST SIGN OF LIGHT, WE MOVE. THE DRIVE TO TEHACHIPPI IS DECEPTIVELY PLEASANT. THE VIEW FROM THE BUS, BEAUTIFUL. ESPECIALLY SINCE I HAVEN'T SEEN THE "OUTSIDE" SINCE BEING TRANSPORTED FROM THE COURTHOUSE ALMOST TWO WEEKS AGO. I START TO REALIZE WHAT IT MEANS TO LOOSE YOUR FREEDOM. WITH MY RIGHT WRIST CHAINED TO A SLEEPING INMATE, I LOOK AT THE DESERT VIEW AND APPRECIATE THE BEAUTY I ALWAYS TOOK FOR GRANTED. WATER WELLS-UP IN MY EYES. IF IT WASN'T A SIGN OF WEAKNESS, IF I COULD GET AWAY WITH IT, I'D CRY MY HEART OUT. BUT, I MUST BE STRONG, I CAN'T SHOW MY WEAKNESSES, NOT HERE, NOT TO ANYONE. BESIDES, I'M ONLY IN HERE FOR ONE MISTAKE, FOR DRIVING AFTER HAVING A LITTLE TOO MUCH TO DRINK. SURELY THEY'LL SEPARATE ME WITH OTHER PEOPLE LIKE ME AND THEN, MAYBE THEN, I CAN LET MY HAIR DOWN. MAYBE THEN I CAN RELAX A LITTLE. I SMILE, I ACTUALLY SMILE A LITTLE AS I THINK: MAYBE I'VE JUST SEEN TOO MANY PRISON MOVIES. IT CAN'T BE THAT BAD, I TRY TO REASSURE MYSELF.

DURING MY FIRST TWO WEEKS, I LEARN THE ROPES. I TAKE A BATTERY OF TESTS, PSYCHOLOGICAL TESTS AND IQ. TESTS. I FIND OUT THAT I DON'T GET TIME OFF OF MY SENTENCE UNLESS I FIND WORK... EITHER SOMETHING PAYING TEN CENTS AN HOUR, OR SOMETHING LIKE SWEEPING THE FLOOR FOR NOTHING. I BEGIN SWEEPING THE TIER, IT'S ALL I CAN FIND AND I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

MY CELL-MATE IS A GUY I'VE TAKEN TO CALL: "WRINKLES" BECAUSE HE LOOKS LIKE SOME CARTOON BAD GUY. HE'S A "FORMER" HEROIN ADDICT, BUT HE SAYS THAT AS SOON AS HE GETS WHERE HE'S GOING, HE'LL GET HIS GIRLFRIEND TO MARRY HIM SO THAT ON THE CONJUGAL VISITS SHE CAN SMUGGLE IN SOME DRUGS FOR HIM. HE EXPLAINS THE WHOLE ELABORATE PLAN. EITHER SHE CARRIES IT IN VIA ONE OF HER ORIFICES THAT WON'T BE SEARCHED OR SHE RISKS HER LIFE SWALLOWING A BALLOON FULL OF THE DRUGS FOR HIM. I WATCH HIM EXPLAIN, GIGGLING ABOUT HOW SMART HE IS TO GET HER TO DO THIS... AND HE STILL "GETS LAID". I WATCH HIM AND I REALIZE HOW DESPERATE HE IS FOR HIS DRUGS. I WONDER HOW DESPERATE HIS GIRLFRIEND IS FOR LOVE. THIS ALL SEEMS SO SURREAL, I MUST JUST BE HAVING A BAD DREAM, I THINK: A REALLY LONG BAD DREAM.

I'M "HOME", I'VE ENDED-UP AT A PLACE CALLED: "TRACY". I HEARD "WRINKLES" CALL IT THE GLADIATOR SCHOOL BECAUSE OF ALL THE YOUNG GANG-BANGERS WHO END-UP HERE WITH SOMETHING TO PROVE. JUST WALKING THE YARD CAN BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH, AND HALF TIME OR NOT... I TRY TO STAY IN MY CELL. I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE ALIVE AND WITHOUT ANY SCARS ON MY FACE FROM A SCRAP OVER: "HEY, YOU LOOKIN' AT ME?" AT LEAST ONCE A DAY, I CAN HEAR ONE OF THE GUARDS FIRE A ROUND FROM HIS SHOTGUN. THEY DON'T GIVE A DAMNED IN HERE, YOU'RE A CONVICT, STATE PROPERTY; ANOTHER FELLOW TELLS ME AT LUNCH: THEY SEE SOMETHING GOING DOWN, THEY'LL BLOW YOU AWAY. MORE REASON TO STAY IN MY CELL.

IT TAKES A COUPLE OF WEEKS, BUT I FINALLY START GETTING SOME MAIL. MY GIRLFRIEND WRITES THAT I'VE LOST MY JOB. SHE HAS TO MOVE OUT OF OUR APARTMENT, THE RENT IS JUST TOO MUCH FOR HER TO HANDLE ALONE. AND THEN, SHE STARTS TELLING ME HOW SHE CAN'T VISIT BECAUSE I'M SO FAR AWAY. SHE CAN'T HANDLE IT AND SHE'S DECIDED IT WOULD BE BETTER IF WE JUST MAKE A FRESH START OF IT WITH OTHER PEOPLE. "OTHER PEOPLE" WHAT DOES SHE THINK? DOES SHE THINK I'M IN A SOCIAL CLUB OR SOMETHING? I DON'T NEED TO FINISH THE LETTER, I CRUMPLE IT IN MY HAND AND FLUSH IT DOWN THE CONVENIENT TOILET IN MY CELL. I FLUSH THE RELATIONSHIP AND ALL MY FEELINGS TOO. I WON'T GET HURT ANYMORE, I TELL MYSELF, I WON'T.

AFTER DAYS OF SELF IMPOSED SOLITUDE, I COME BACK FROM THE EVENING MEAL AND FIND A NEW ROOMMATE. THIS GUYS A DAMNED GORILLA... AT LEAST 6 1/2 FEET ALL AND WEIGHING IN AT ABOUT 275 POUNDS. IN OUR CRAMPED SPACE, THIS WILL NOT BE COMFORTABLE FOR EITHER OF US. I TRY TO GET TO KNOW THE GUY, BUT, ALL THAT I GET OUT OF HIM IS THAT HE'S HERE BECAUSE HE KILLED HIS LAST CELL-MATE OVER WATCHING HIS FAVORITE SOAP OPERA. THEN, MY TOWERING "ROOMIE" SMACKS HIS LIPS AND SAYS THAT I KINDA REMIND HIM OF HIS EX-CELLMATE. I JUST LAY IN MY BUNK AND SWEAT, EVENTUALLY DRIFTING OFF TO SLEEP.

JARRED FROM MY SLEEP, THE GORILLA PUTS HIS GIGANTIC HAND OVER MY MOUTH. SAY ANYTHING BITCH, AND I'LL KILL YOU. TERROR GRIPS MY HEART, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO AS BILL, THAT'S HIS NAME... I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO AS HE TWISTS ME FACE DOWN ON MY BUNK. HE PULLS DOWN THE BLANKET, GRABBING MY SHORTS AND VIOLENTLY, WELL... VIOLENTLY HE RAPES ME. I TRY TO SCREAM AS HE FORCES HIS WAY DEEP INTO MY BODY, TEARING MY FLESH FOR A FEW MOMENTS OF HIS ANIMAL PLEASURE. THRUSTING HIS HUGE ORGAN INTO ME, ALL I FEEL IS PAIN AND HUMILIATION. I TRY TO SCREAM, BUT WITH MY FACE BURIED INTO A PILLOW, I CAN BARELY BREATH. THE GORILLA'S ORGAN ERUPTS WITHIN MY BLEEDING ORIFICE WITH HOT LAVA-LIKE LIQUID. I'M SURPRISED AT THE FEELING AND I'M DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF. SOMEHOW, I FEEL LIKE I LET THIS HAPPEN. HE WHISPERS IN MY EAR THAT IF I TELL ANYONE, HE'LL KILL ME... JUST LIKE HIS LAST ROOMMATE. HE WHISPERS THAT FROM NOW ON, I'M HIS "BITCH". LAUGHING, HE EVEN TELLS ME THAT HE MIGHT JUST SELL MY ASS FOR A LITTLE EXTRA CASH SOMETIMES. I WANTED TO DIE. I COULDN'T SLEEP THE REST OF THE NIGHT, I JUST THOUGHT OF ALL THE WAYS I COULD KILL MYSELF. I HAD NO WILL TO LIVE.

IN THE MONTHS TO FOLLOW, BILL USED ME AND SOLD ME. WY WORTH WOULD BE A PACK OF CIGARETTES, A HIT ON SOME DOPE, SOMETIMES I THINK HE MADE ME DO THOSE DISGUSTING THINGS JUST FOR LAUGHS. I SUFFERED ON A LEVEL INCOMPREHENSIBLE TO ANYONE WHO HASN'T TRAVELED THIS ROAD. INCOMPREHENSIBLE TO ANYONE EXCEPT MAYBE ME.

NOW, I'M WAITING TO DIE. YOU SEE, I DIDN'T HAVE TO KILL MYSELF. SOMEBODY, ONE OF MY "PARTNERS" APPARENTLY WAS INFECTED WITH A.I.D.S. I LAY IN A HOSPITAL BED, A BURDEN ON THE STATE AND A FADED MEMORY TO MY "FRIENDS". HELL, WHAT FRIENDS? WHEN DID THEY VISIT? WHEN DID THEY WRITE? AND THE STATE... HA, THE JOKES ON THE STATE, I GUESS. ONE TIME, ONE TIME I DRIVE AFTER HAVING A LITTLE TOO MUCH TO DRINK. I HAVE AN ACCIDENT, JUST AN ACCIDENT. I DIDN'T MEAN TO HIT THAT KID, BUT, I'VE BEEN SENTENCED TO DEATH. I'LL DIE IN THIS PRISON, I'LL DIE A HORRIBLE, PAINFUL AND HUMILIATING DEATH FOR ONE DRINK TOO MANY. I'LL DIE ALONE. I GUESS THAT'S JUSTICE...

Created: October 29, 1999r.
Last Updated: May 23, 2005r.